Category: Parent Talk
I no longer enjoy my husband's company, at least not very often. We don't want the same things, for example I don't enjoy having friends at home and don't want to entertain any houseguests or have other than family members stay over night, he wants to have guests & loves entertaining friends. I don't believe in comparing our child to others, that is all he does. I'm not even sure I can make sense on this post, so I hope you guys can bear with me.
I don't share the same ideas about parenting & family he does. He has given in to our daughter to avoid conflict, and has hung out with people who tell him you can't discipline kids in the U S without being maliciously prosecuted, I exercise firm discipline with Mimi, and she and I have a loving relationship. Does that mean I beat her? No, but I do spank when it's called for, and I do withhold priviledges and ground, for example not going to story hour or letting her play with other kids on the playground when her behavior has been bad enough, and the kind of stunts she pulls with him she will not even think to pull with me. He has made scenes in public when she didn't live up to his expectations, for example when he had to change her poopy diaper on an airline flight some years ago, he was pitching a fit, as if it was the airline's fault he was a size 42 &trying to change a diaper in a small bathroom. He is more like an overgrown child than an adult, and I think she picks up on that & that is part of why she doesn't pull some of these stunts with me.
I am not looking to take up with my lunch friend or any third party. Truth be told, I would intentionally not date or seek to remarry to avoid her getting everything from her attachments messed with to being physically hurt by an unrelated third party. I simply have a toxic relationship with Mr Sponge, and last time he threatened to not come home that night, I was sitting accross the street from a divorce attorney's office, and I said "OK" and made an appointment. He later called to say he didn't mean it, but I kept the appointment. Nice man, nice office set up, even glass doors in the conference room so you can still watch your child while talking to him.
The poor thing cried buckets when she thought he wasn't returning & even asked me what she would do for a dad. That is part of why I am not rushing this. Can children not be hurt by parents' divorce? I have seen my share of horror stories and even seen some of the effects conservatives talk about, for example, young women I knew from broken families becoming sexually active at early age & having kids, even marrying and divorcing at very early ages. I don't want to ruin my daughter's life w problems like depression & more difficulty learning in school, although I must admit seeing children of divorce are more likely to repeat a grade didn't really bother me. If they have to repeat it to understand the concepts, so be it, I failed and even repeated my share of classes, and my parents are still together. Is there some way to do it w/o moving back in w my parents in Florida? My mom's toxicity is part of what is causing our split. Any advice or criticism would be welcome.
I know people who stayed married strictly for the children's sake and personally think it's a horrible idea. Neither person in the couple is happy. They just pretend to be in public and to not hurt the child. They also deny themselves the opportunity of someday finding someone who could truly love them and their child. I'm lucky in that my parents have been together for 21 years. So I've never experienced this first hand. But children know what's wrong if there are serious problems going on. If you've tried counseling and really sitting down with your husband and talking and it didn't work, I think that you've done all that you could and divorce, or at least a separation for awhile before the final step, might be a good idea. The most important thing to tell your daughter, and it has to be said from both of you, is that it's not her fault and that you love her no matter what. You will never stop loving her and she will always be your daughter. You just don't get along with each other/love each other like you used to do. It seems that both of you have her best interests at heart. There's no abuse etc. You just have two totally different parenting styles. But yeah. I'd say try a separation, and if the two of you really like living that way, go for the divorce. If not, you can try living together again. And Mimi will have time to adjust to the changes. But if your mother is causing so much of the problem, perhaps it's best to stop communicating with her and see how the two of you do without her in your lives. Maybe, he's being influenced in a negative way, and once that influence is removed, things can at least be worked on.
I can understand a child being depressed for awhile and maybe even doing badly in school for a time after a divorce. But if the parents really do everything to help him/her realise that he/she is still loved and wanted and that the divorce isn't his/her fault and then he/she grows up and does foolish things, I'm sorry, but I blame the child not the parents. He/she needs to learn to live with the adjustment at some point, not to throw it up back in the parent's faces and use it as an excuse to do stupid things.
I come at this from a child's point of view. My parents divorced when I was 9, and my mom said she did it because she wasn't "happy." Not to be rude, but that's a pathetic reason to divorce. I'm now in my twenties, married, and did not see a functional, happy marriage, or even a tolerable one, close-up until I was in my late teens. I think Tiffanitsa is right about limiting contact with Mom if she is being such a disfunctional source in your life...
I won't lambaste you, SpongeBob, but please continue to think carefully about this...
CM
I ask this sincerely not sarcastically. Why is being unhappy a pathetic excuse for a divorce? It sounds as if you believe that you should stay married even if you're miserable. The whole point of marriage is to commit yourself to the person whom you love, to show your satisfaction and happiness with that person. But if in your soul you are truly unhappy with this person, and you've done everything that you could to change this, why should you remain in that situation when there might be someone out there who could make you feel happy again? It certainly beats cheating and lying. I agree that it's something to consider, but it sounds as if spongebob has been considering this for awhile and is working things out in her mind, not grabbing the papers after one night of an argument or a day after the first downturn in the marriage.
No, there is not.
You are asking someone who isn't fully mentally or emotionally mature or experienced to change how they define their lives. Instead of coming home from school to see Mommy and Daddy, it's only to see one of them, and maybe the other parent on weekends or on afternoons or what have you. You are asking a child to completely alter their concept of love, parenthood, routine and stability.
That said, it's not going to crush her either. If you and your husband are open and honest with yourselves and especially her, the transition can be made easier and can even have positive outcomes, like you and her dad being less stressed and being better able to dedicate time to her.
If you want to get a divorce, do it. But if you do, don't ever say anything bad about your child's father in front of them. It's not their war and it's not their problem, they were just born here.
I agree with the poster before me. If you, and this has nothing to do with your mom, are not happy it is best to move on. If you don't I think strif brings worse stress to a child then separating. Tell her the truth, but not the story if that makes sense. I mean "Your dad is such a... and his habbits are.." No, tell her that you are not happy, so you want to be. Tell her it's not her fault, and treat your exe with kindness, speak kindly of him always, and keep your troubles among adults. Fix the visiting so you share equal time, say you get 3 days a week and he gets 3 days and the 7th is halved. Make sure the days alternate, so you, or he doesn't have her every weekend. Now that is tricky, specially if one of you don't agree, but best for her. Usually, and this is sad the women gets stuck with most of the time, and if that has to be as it is except it gracefully and don't speak harshly of him to her. Just say he will visit when he does. Kids are smarter, and easier adjusted then adults if you leave the bickering out and the I love you better out of it. Peace and be well.
The reality is that there’s no right or wrong answer here.
Many children come from broken homes, and there is some evidence that suggests that a child who comes from a broken home is more likely to divorce themselves whereas children from homes where the parents stayed married are more likely to go on to have long-term stable relationships.
It goes without saying that a child who is used to having two parents living together is going to feel hurt and disrupted if those parents separate. But having said that, living in a home where the parents are unhappy can be equally hard on children, especially in later life when the realization occurs that the parents only stayed together for the sake of the children (and the realization will occur as that child grows up and develops relationships of his/her own).
Ultimately as a parent your first responsibility is to your child, however that doesn’t mean that that has to be to the exclusion of everyone else, and even as a parent you still have the right to be happy. Because one day your child will grow up and leave home and then what? You'll still be in the unhappy relationship you stayed in for the sake of the child who has now left and gone on to pursue their own life.
Divorce should IMO be a last resort but that doesn’t mean that it should never be considered.
What you need to do is look at the issues within the relationship and see whether they can be resolved. And that is all the issues, including the issues on your side of the relationship, because the fault is very rarely one-sided.
So – you don’t like the way he doesn’t discipline your daughter and yet still has expectations of her behaviour, but equally he doesn’t like the way you discipline your daughter i.e. by using smacking as a form of punishment. It’s a pretty major sticking point – smacking is a very emotive issue and one which many people feel strongly about. Personally I would have issue with someone else smacking my child if I didn’t agree with it – for me it would essentially be like saying that physical violence towards a child is ok even though I didn’t approve of it.
What you need to do is sit down and discuss the issues within the relationship, do it rationally and calmly, and try to reach a solution that you both agree on.
Do you still love him?
As I said above there’s no law that says you have to stay in an unhappy marriage, and if you really feel unable to continue with it, then perhaps divorce is your only option. But if you go down that route then the needs of your child still have to come first. IMO a lot of the reason why children are so hurt by the separation of their parents is because of the acrimonious way in which it occurs and the way the children are then used in the parents’ emotional games and dictated to when they can and cannot see the absent parent.
For me personally if I were to divorce my child’s welfare would come above everything, to the point that I would never stand in the way of access either by his father and/or extended family on that side of the relationship. He has two parents and that would always remain so, and should, IMO always remain so in any separation.
Good luck
First of all, to answer your question, I think it will always hurt the kids to some degree, but in the long run, it's probably best. Staying married for the sake of the children really doesn't end up being in the child's best interest. I also went through this as a child. Of course, I was only three years old, but I was eventually happy when I didn't have to see my parents fighting anymore. Of course, they had a hard time keeping their bitterness towards each other our of our lives, and that didn't help matters either.
CM, I have to disagree with you about unhappiness being a pathetic excuse for a divorce. If you're unhappy, you're unhappy. Of course, I would encourage anybody to seek help before ending it, and just like marriage, divorce is not to be taken lightly, but if you're just unhappy with the person, then you're unhappy with the person. End of story. It probably wouldn't be in anybody's best interest for you to stay.
In some ways I do agree with CM. people who aren't happy in their marriages often too quickly resort to the divorce option.
Instead of immediately thinking of that option, why not try marriage councilling or something like that? I think in this day and age people just go for the divorce and don't try any in between measures, which shouldn't be encouraged.
as for the child, I will give you this example. My future husband is a divorcee who left his wife because she was definitely no longer in love with him, due to the fact that she was having an affair, and had been having it for 2 years without him knowing. she is now married to him.
However his relationship with his daughters especially is incredibly broken because they were very young when he left, and they don't understand why they have to leave home and spend time with their daddy, when there's another man at home who could just as easily be daddy and for all intent and purposes is.
It very much depends on what sort of people you are.
you need to ask yourself a lott
Am I going to be the sort of mother who complains about an ex-husband to my child?
Will he do the same?
Am I going to be the sort of mother that allows him as much access as he should have?
children need balance in their lives, and as the child of a divorced family, who lived with her father rather than mother, I felt the lack of that in my life very much and there is no alternative to ones own family. the bonds are too important and can't be replaced.
I do agree with loui too a large extent, but on the flip side:
Are you the sort of mother who complains about your husband?
Because while I certainly know some divorced parents that put down their ex-partners in front of their children, I equally know some married people who constantly put down their children's mother/father to their children and who, in actual fact, should probably just get divorced, since the unhappyness and bitterness in their marriages is blatently obvious to even the most oblivious onlookers..
to post1: sounds to me that you do love your husband, just that you both have lots of things that perhaps no longer in common as before. people change, things changes, situations change. before making any move, might be a good idea to talk to a family counsellor or a marriage counsellor, and work thru it in a open manner. have3 you seriously let him know your feelings and thoughts on things, and have you listen enough of his needs as well at the same time?
as some of us already mention here, there's no right and wrong answer, and reach ever you choose, might be painful for the child somehow. just bare in mind, a child grow in a unhappy family perhaps is as hurtful as the child growing in a single parrent family. however, also needing to remember, problems won't solve even after you seperate with your husband. parrenting could be an issue between you both, considering sounds like both of your parrenting manner is rather different.
i think, you should perhaps, have an open conversation with your husband, just you and her, without involving your child in between. might be that you need a babysitter to babysit your daughter during that period of time.
regardless of what, just remember. tehre's no right and wrong parrents in this world, and it is also important not to put any judgement about your husband to your daughter.
as someone mention before, it is not her fault, and also, no oone's fault if things really dont work out as it should, it is just, circumstances change, with new problems occur
cap is right in that the issues that have led to you feeling this way will not go away simply because you get a divorce.
The major issue between you does seem to be the parenting of your child, and if you were to divorce that won't change - you'll still be the same parents parenting the same child, except now you'll be parenting away from each other so won't have any input if/when he does things that you don't agree with and vice versa.
It does sound to me as if there's a basic lack of communication within your relationship. Was parenting something you ever discussed before you had a child together?
I think all parents disagree sometimes on the best way to parent/discipline their children, but it is crucial to talk about these things away from the situation and come to an agreement before you're actually faced with it. Nothing makes a child play their parents off against one another more than when that child is aware that their parents disagree on the discipline required.
the thing about parents who complain about their ex husband/wives is that it can actually cause a child to take sides, and punish the other parent. 1 of my partners children basically refuses to spend the time she is supposed to with her father because of the things that her mother tells her about him.
I think people get divorces so quickly these days because it is easy to stay in contact with their children and they don't seem to think as much of their families anymore. but one parent seeing the children 2 days out of 14 is not the same as living together and seeing them as often as you want..
O no, I don't think divorce is always the best option, and like I said, I would encourage anybody to seek help before taking such action, but if you're just not going to work together, I don't think that staying together just for the child would be in anybody's best interest. People do things in anger that they normally wouldn't do, and in the long run, what is that teaching your kids? There were times as a young child when I wanted Mommy and Daddy to get back together, but I soon realized it was better that they weren't.
I do see the point about the parenting factor, though. I will be much easier for the kid to be able to take advantage of parenting differences if the parents in question aren't living together, so you'll definitely want to consider that. The judge who grants the divorce will try to take this into consideration when making the guardianship decision if he or she knows about the issue, but there's only so much the judge can do to interveen. I know when my parents got divorced, the judge enforced a pre-arranged living situation so my sister and I couldn't just run to the other parent if we didn't like the discipline methods of one parent or the other. Of course, we were given a number we could call if we were really uncomfortable, or if we felt that we were in danger, at which point a social worker would be sent to our place to assess the situation.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that divorce will cause problems. That's just unavoidable, but there are ways around this, and if the two of you are almost never pleasant living together, your daughter will most likely sense this.
Hmm I do not have any kids so please take my advice as you see fit, have you sat down and I mean seriously sat down with your husband an expressed your feelings? There will bee teers, a feeling of frustration, and even some argueing. If you 2 can get through that hopefully you might work it out. I guess I am saying this from someone who is a online gamer, my Butterfly star is not, :) she loves movies I do mean loves movies. I watch them here and there with her. So this issue really cause a arguement, hurtful comments from her. We had to sit down and talk about this because I was about to disown her. thankful we have worked it out for the most part. I relize your situation is a whole lot serious then mine but someting to think about before you proceed to the divorce stage. its a wonder how her and I stick together because our intrest mostly are like night and day. :) I love her and honestly do not know what I would do with out her.
The simplest answer to your question is this.
It depends on how maturely both you and him are able to handle the issues, and split up if it comes to that.
i'll be doing a bit of repete work here and for that I'm sorry.
I am a child of divorce, and pregnant with my first so no expert. My parents used me the one child at home still to play against each other. In their case I'd have to say divorce was probibly the best thing. They married out of obligation and there fore were basically kids when married and never knew who they truely were. One thing about marriage is that you take a vow whether in a religius or state seramoney that you will stick together through good times and bad. I'm sure you are familiar with the vows you took. I'm not saying don't get a divorce, but I'm saying is there a way of working through your issues? Is ther a way you and him can get time away from your little darling once a week to talk about how you feel about each other and the way you are raising your daughter? If you can't do it with just the 2 of you is there a marriage/family councelar that might be able to bring some things forward and help you 2 with communication, or a religius leader of which ever religion you are a part of that could sit down with you and talk about marriage and responcibilities of raising a child. The main thing is can you and your husband come to a comprimise you are both happy with? Also are you still happy with each other other than your disagreements about child reering? If you are unable to say that you and him can come to a comprimise and can not maintain a health household together the next step would be divorce.
It will mostlikely hurt the child because even if at the moment things are not healthy your daughter is used to Mommy and Daddy being together. It will be confusing and possibally painful. The best thing then is to make sure you both show your daughter love care and affection. You'll want her to know it is not her fault, and that it is between the 2 of you. Try to keep your griping away from her now, and if you have a divorce after then away from the child. It doesn't feel good to have a parent or step parent talk about your other parent as if they are scome and no good and not worth the ground they walk on, when the child also loves their parrent.
I do wish you the best. I think it would be good in either case to find a person a friend, a relative someone you trust to talk through it rationally with who might know you well enough to maybe say yes he may do this, but do you think when you respond in this way... This may be healthy also, but again try to do this while not in front of your daughter.
In either case I hope you make the best choice for your family, and I cheer you on for thinking through it instead of jumping in to one thing or another. :)